The Big Decisions

First of all: CONGRATULATIONS to Gen & Andy who got married over the weekend! It was such a romantic story; made me go all goose-pimply when she told me :) Good luck with your futures together, guys; may there be much happiness and love.

It seems to be the time for the big decisions in life. Ray and I have had a few conversations this weekend and they've culminated into a decision about one aspect of our future.

For those who don't know: I might not be able to physically conceive or/and carry a child. I had some surgery when I was in my teens to get rid of some out-of-control ovarian cysts and in the process of being mis-diagnosed (GP's are great, aren't they?) they'd grown huge and spun and tangled things up. During the second op' I lost my right ovary and fallopian tube. It's perfectly plausible that I can still conceive. Plenty of women have only one ovary and have babies perfectly fine. But then again plenty don't. I also have no idea what the scar tissue is like and whether or not that will play any part in it.

So, what's that got to do with anything, right? Well, I stumbled across a test that can tell whether or not I am producing any healthy eggs. (For the record: I don't believe I stumbled; I believe I was guided to it.) It won't test for anything else but for me that's one of the big things that hangs like a question mark over everything. Am I even producing any eggs from that one remaining ovary, and are they healthy?

So we've made a plan. My Pill prescription runs out in December. I won't renew it. We'll wait at least six months for my body to run off the effects of The Pill and then we'll take the test. Of course I know it shouldn't take six months for the effects to wear off but a year from now sounded like a good time frame for us. From there we'll make a new decision. That'll depend on many factors. If the test shows I'm fine are we ready to have babies then? Or, do we even want to have children of our own, do we just want to adopt/foster? If the test shows I've got no healthy eggs then I'll probably go to the doctors, get it assessed and find out exactly what's wrong. Then the question will be: are we ready to adopt/foster yet?

This decision doesn't mean we're planning babies for next year; it's just the first step in that direction. I've always wanted to adopt/foster anyway but I'd still like to know whether or not I am capable of conceiving naturally because a part of me really wants to have Ray's baby. But that's all a decision for next year. For now I'm just extremely happy to be moving forward and making that first small step. Coming off The Pill isn't such a big deal, either. It was never really the wonder drug for me - my periods are still heavy and painful, my mood swings are a little extreme on my off-week, and my boobs have grown too big! ;) So come January I'll be starting down the path back to the real hormone-challenged me, and the path to motherhood.

Labels: adoption, fertility, friends, life, marriage, maternal, motherhood, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 5 | permalink |  

I Squee You

Squee. It's a funny word. I had to try and explain what it meant once. I found it difficult. I suppose different people take it to mean different things. For me squee is an exclamation, a word uttered usually while clasping your hands together in front of your chest as you try not to let the cutest thing in the world cripple you with... well, squee.

I don't use the word to describe people I fancy. If a guy or girl makes me go squee (yes, the word squee to me is a verb) then you can pretty much assume I have no sexual feelings for them. But then for me I then enter a muddy kind of place that has no real words to describe it. I can squee over someone and not want to do anything sexual with them, but because of the squee emotion I will probably want to hold them close to me.

There's a young boy who I've known for a few years. He's a dopey thing. Everyone who meets him thinks he's a dope. But in me he brings out this squee emotion. Because we've moved, I end up seeing him about once a week now, in a public place where I have to pretend to him that my squee muscles aren't screaming inside me. How do you explain to a boy of about eighteen that you want to wrap your arms around them, hold them against your chest and end that ache in your heart you get sometimes when your maternal instincts go nuts? Well, you just can't, can you? So I smile politely, he serves me what I need, we might say hello, then I go on my way. But for the next few hours all I can think is how I want to bring him home with me. There's absolutely nothing sexual in this want. I would curl and up die if anyone even suggested that was my motive. But it's some weird place in the middle of wanting to mother someone and wanting to sleep with them. I've discussed this with my mother before now and she understands the emotion. I've tried explaining it to Jemma but she doesn't get it. Different folks, different strokes and all that.

There's another guy who brings out this emotion strongly in me. (Yes, they are mostly guys who make me squee, I think purely because I've always been closer with guys than girls, so the need to protect them is probably stronger than my need to protect girls.) This guy is no longer a boy, he's a man. But I still can't get past the idea in my head that he's still a kid. I'd still love to get him away from his new hectic lifestyle, hold him close against my chest, feed him too much food, and see he gets a good night's rest. The problem with this guy is Jem fancies the pants off him. We spent a hilarious walk yesterday morning trying to decipher the differences in our feelings towards this boy/man.

There is no reason for this post, no great revelation at the end. I just find squee a very strange emotion. And I find my mothering/fancying combined emotion is a really strange one to explain. I think if you're in no way maternal then you will never understand what I mean. I like the emotion anyway. But it does make me end the post by asking: Ray, can we adopt these two young boys now?

Labels: adoption, boys, life, love, mammy, maternal, squee

by Ys | COMMENTS? 5 | permalink |  








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