It's Ray's birthday today. He turns twenty-two. When we first started dating he was nineteen. As I keep on reminding him: he'll always be my younger man no matter what his age ;)

The celebrations started Friday night with what I seem to recall was called "the best ever". Saturday we planned a lazy day slobbing around the house, hugging Sweepie and making sure she didn't feel too sad when we left her the following day. It didn't work: she saw me packing and started pouting that night. Sunday was a very early morning wake-up call so that we could be on the road by 8. We weren't actually on the road 'til twenty minutes after that. The wedding vow renewals were lovely. They got it done in a little wood hut, which got me quite excited cos I've always had this vision of my ideal wedding day... I won't give it all away but a hut-like building is in there. The party afterwards at the pub didn't include dancing unfortunately (the singer didn't turn up!) but there was lots of conversations with various members of my family. I rarely get to see my parents' brothers and sisters so when I do I always feel like a stranger. They're all really close so we're always out on our own. Not this time, though; this time we were embraced, which was really nice. I got clucky over my second-cousin who is four years old and doesn't ever shut up. "Are you ready to be tickled, girls?" So dodgy ;) Ray curled his hand over mine, tapped my wedding finger and mouthed "Mine." The night was going great 'til I got really bad stomach pains and had to run to the toilet in fear I was going to vomit. I had to go home by 9pm. I couldn't work out what was wrong until I remembered that I'd taken some painkillers without food. That's what upset my stomach last time. I'd worried my period pain would ruin the night so I took my strong painkillers; turns out they were what ruined it for me in the end. Typical. I missed my mother being hilariously drunk. She's always a laugh when she's drunk ;) She did think the room Ray and I were sleeping in was a toilet... But found out quick enough it wasn't not to cause embarrassment ;)

A TRIP TO TELFORD

Today, it being the actual day of Ray's birthday, Ray and I spent half an hour in bed before we had to get up. He opened his cards and was allowed one of my presents (Series 5 of "Red Dwarf"). Tonight he gets to open the rest, gets to eat banoffi pie, and he has one extra present, which I picked up today in town. I'll gush and share pictures tomorrow. Today I have to wrap presents and get everything ready for him :)

Labels: birthday, family, illness, life, love, mammy, photos, presents, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 0 | permalink |

I think I may be all blogged out this week. There's not much to talk about...

There's been a trip home to see my parents. There's a dress I want to link to but I haven't got the code for it and I can't find it on the website. It's a strapless wonder at the moment but because it slips down when I raise my arms (don't all strapless dresses do that? So why make them the new in-thing?) I need some straps for it. My mother had a brainwave: use the belt/ribbon that comes with the dress to fashion some straps. So it's at home at the moment waiting for AmberMammy to work her magic. It's extremely pretty. It was a present from Mammy for the wedding-nuptials we're going to in a couple of weeks. Not my wedding nuptials. It's a renewing-the-vows type of thing. It's also an excuse for me to show off Ray to my mother's side of the family. A couple of them have met him already but quite a few haven't. I get to be proud girlfriend for the night :) There's also been a lot of writing this week.

Last night there were some chippie-chips. Jem takes Martha to the groomers every six weeks and it always falls on a Thursday - Shop Day. Because I cannot be bothered to cook again Ray and I always have chippie-chips as a treat. It's this one weird evening every six weeks where it's just me, Ray and Sweepie. We always take Sweepie with us to get the chips and it's just this tantalising taste of what's to come in a few years time. It's great that I can get a taste of things to come and that I like how it tastes. The chips tasted damn fine, too ;)

Today there was badminton - I'm still the champion ;) There will be the Olympics in an hour. And The Tudors this evening. The weekend? I have no idea yet. I think there's some window-shopping with Mammy tomorrow; visits to the families on Sunday; in between hasn't been decided yet. I like it when there's a whole weekend stretching out in front of me like this with very little planned. In fact Friday afternoon/evening is probably my favourite part of the weekend: because there's so much to come and Monday feels like it's weeks away.

Enjoy your Friday, Saturday and Sunday :)

Labels: amber, badminton, blogging, family, in-laws, jem, life, mammy, ray, shopping, the tudors, writing

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |

I'm going to draw a line under my emotions from last week. I can't change anything and obsessing over it doesn't help anyone so I'll do what I can when I can. And hope it's enough.

I had a lovely weekend, which helped to cheer me up a lot. I went out with Mammy and Jemma to see The Dark Knight on Saturday. Heath Ledger is as good as everyone is saying he is; it isn't just being said cos he died. I thought the film was a bit long-winded but it was still very good. I don't understand how it got a 12A certificate, though, cos it was seriously dark and quite a lot disturbing. I wouldn't want my children seeing it. At the end a group of them rejoined their parents and started saying how they'd cried in fright through most of it! Besides that factor, I really don't think young people would really get what was going on. On the top level, sure, but not all the psycological parts. I reccomend the film, anyway :)

Sunday was spent visiting everyone, and doing a little shopping ;) I didn't buy anything too grand. Just a mug-tree. It's not the one I wanted (I wanted a white wooden one) but it was the best I could find:



The kitchen is very fastly coming together. I love the white-with-spots look; it's cute. I'm going to get some round tins next to store some of the junk is so that the worktops aren't bogged down with bowls full of knick-knacks. I prefer clear worktops.

While Ray bought himself a couple of new xbox360 games. He's waited patiently week after week and then this week he gave in and bought two. I could link you to them but I don't actually know what they're both called. I know one is Oblivion because we had fun making up the character's face to look like Ray ;)

That afternoon we went visiting everyone. It was a really lovely visit back to Ray's house. Dale's shaved all his hair off, though! He has such lovely blonde hair, which he grows long and then shaves off. Nicky gave me a mini-gumball from her mini-gumball machine and we all had fun laughing at Mams trying to blow bubbles. Everyone is such fun when it's sunny, aren't they?

Then it was onto my parents' house with the two dogs, where we had a huge BBQ and stuffed ourselves silly. There was lots of silliness, lots of laughing, lots of noise and games with the dogs; and we ended it all by walking all six dogs up the road together, which caused Sweepie such excitement that she had to be carried for most the walk in fear she'd pass out (she doesn't handle heat and excitement well together at all).

SUMMER BBQ

So all in all it was a really nice, fun weekend.

And it ended with the best words I could have heard: "If we weren't skint we could have a baby now." :)

Labels: daddy, films, house stuff, in-laws, life, mammy, martha, motherhood, ray, sweepie

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |

Through my nostaligia, my recent obsession with thinking back and pondering over those things I just couldn't quite understand at the time, I've made some realisations. About others in my life, and about myself.

The other day I wrote this and I got a reaction from Jem that I wasn't expecting. She asked if I'd written it to get at her cos she'd said she didn't like where the characters were heading (long-story-short: I gave her an unfinished novel based in "Olimpia Valley" to read, which took the characters somewhere very dark; I'd already told her she wouldn't like it so wasn't surprised when she said she didn't). It threw me. Because when I'd written the entry I'd actually been thinking about something Stephen King had written and I'd read by chance when I was a bit bored. It was at the beginning of one of the "Dark Tower" books (the recent editions) where he said that he always loved returning to the "Dark Tower" world and that it was a place he always found easy to fall back into. He mentioned how the only other world that took him so strongly was "The Stand" (which, incidently, I haven't read and therefore did not know was based in a post-apocalyptic world). So my thoughts went simply this like: How weird he has an olde worlde world and a post-apocalyptic world just like me with "Soul Mates" and "Olimpia Valley". I wrote that afternoon and the words just tumbled out and I was so high on the writing, so high on the characters; and I realised I was living vicariously through those characters; how in another life I might have made the same choices they do/did. So I wrote that entry but simplified it and just summed it up in a few words.

My thinking afterwards was how easily we misinterpret things that people say and do and automatically twist them around to fit into what we're thinking. We all do it. I know I do. I like to think I can project myself into other people's thoughts (being a writer I have to have that ability to some point other wise how would I write about people I didn't particularly agree with) but I often put my own thoughts on top and come to the wrong conclusion.

This led me onto a sudden understanding. That when a certain family member turned against me and tried to turn my mother against me in the process, it wasn't anything to do with the fact that I was in whatever form playing Mother to Amber. This woman had an issue with the fact that I was getting on so well with my father. This woman tried to turn my mother against me because of her own issues over her jealousy that her daughter and husband had always been close, that her daughter had chosen her father over her mother (her). All these years I believed it was because of Amber, because I rallied us three girls (sisters) together and wouldn't let a single one of us crumble under the pressure. I thought this woman thought I was in someway disprespecting Mammy and her parenting skills by coping while Mammy was away.

It was a nice realisation in a way. It was nice to be able to step back eight years later and be able to see things with fresh eyes, with emotions that aren't tainted by grief and anger. I've always found it amazing how wrong people can get things, how we all assume this that and the other and how nine times out of ten we're way off the mark. I've always said, "You never know what's going on behind closed doors," because it's true. The face people show you is not always the true one. Not in a dishonest way, just that we don't all run around showing the things that have scarred us (I know I don't anyway) and so how can you tell whether what one person thinks happened is actually fact?

I've always been fascinated with the psychology of the human mind. I think maybe I missed my calling ... ;)

Labels: amber, daddy, jem, life, mammy, rant, writing

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

I went back home to see my parents last night. And I felt extremely homesick when I was there and when I had to leave. I haven't felt homesickness like that since moving here.

I just felt myself starting to miss my old life. Talking to Daddy about rugby, laughing with Mammy over pretty much everything, being more than just a big sister to Amber. I missed the safe, quiet, homely feel I used to have in that house. It doesn't feel like home anymore. I adapt too quickly to change. I move on and accept that whereever I am, for however long I am there, is my new safe place, my new home. I'm the same when we go visiting other people. I adapt to their houses and find I never want to leave (unless it's truly awful and then I'm bolting for the door ;D). Well, last night all that adapting broke down and I just wanted to stay at home and be young and free and silly again. Not that I was that way very much when I lived there. I couldn't wait to get out, in fact. I suppose it's always the same. Growing up isn't always fun.

I've been jealous a lot this last week, too. Over stupid things, things that either can't be changed or don't even matter anyway. Like last night I was jealous that I no longer lived at home; I was jealous that Amber wasn't mine anymore; I was jealous that Daddy talks so much more to Ray than me these days (man chats about nails and roofs and stuff I don't understand); jealous that Mammy was going to the cinema with her friend without me. But I've also been jealous of how pretty Jemma is; how independent Hannah is; how strong Sarah has always been. I'm even jealous of all of Ray's aunts and uncles because they have such adorable children! I blame all of this insane girlie stupidity on my raging hormones. I'm expecting everything to calm the hell down again from today onwards because today at 9:40am I broke open a new satchet. I am officially back on the Pill again :)

Through my moping and insanity, I decided to buy Ray just one more teeny-tiny present for his birthday. This (if you're reading this Ray: do not click that link!). It's not his birthday for another month. At this rate I'll be bankrupt! I swear that's the last present... I think ;) I'm out of funds now so it has to be the last... I think ;)

Labels: amber, birthday, daddy, hormones, jem, life, mammy, presents, ray, the pill

by Ys | COMMENTS? 6 | permalink |

I'm still cranky but I think this is more to do with tiredness than anything else. Tired of being on, hehehe ;)

It was Visiting The Family Day yesterday. Ray's house was filled with people. It often is on a Sunday but I haven't seen it fill up that quick in a long while. We didn't stay long. I don't know what to say about it. It's a weird time. We then went on to see my Old Folk, with the dogs, as well. We like to gatecrash spectacularly ;) Mammy welcomed us with a present: some spotty mugs for the kitchen:



Very cute. She's spoiling us again. I christened them with some wine last night. The wine was disgusting (I just don't like wine no matter how hard I try!) so after a couple of sips I concluded the christening was finished and didn't need to drink anymore.

It's been a weekend of watching films. First: Be Kind Rewind. It was such a lovely, sweet film. Funny, of course, as you'd expect from Jack Black (that man can make me laugh with just a look!), but very sweet, as well, which I wasn't expecting. I liked it :) Then we watched A Cock & Bull Story, which I have loved since I first saw it three years ago. I finally found it to buy! Everyone must see this film: it's so kooky and funny :) And, finally, last night we watched The Crow: Wicked Prayer. I only wanted it cos David Boreanaz is in it (I've been in love with him for an age!). I quite liked Edward Furlong back in my days of youth, as well. Both actors can act, just a shame that what they were acting with was so bad. Awful film, of course, but it had some strangely pretty moments with the flashback/after-death scenes spliced in.

It's back to the real world now, though. Paying bills and writing, and thinking what I'm going to be eating for lunch today... ;)

Labels: daddy, david boreanaz, films, house stuff, in-laws, life, mammy, photos, presents

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

I had the house to myself yesterday. All day.

Jem and Mammy went to see Kylie Minogue up in Manchester yesterday. So not only did I get some Me Time (oh precious Me Time, I'd forgotten what that time was like), which entailled me cleaning, writing, and reading two-thirds of The Gunslinger. But I also got some Alone Time with Ray. Which meant eating lasagne and Tagliatelle (it seems to be our food of love ;D), watching Grand Designs (have I mentioned how I've commissioned Ray to build me my dream home?) & The Fifth Element (Ray fancies Milla Jovovich, while I've always had a thing for Bruce Willis); and much, much fun in the bedroom.

The house is all mine for another four hours or so, depending on traffic, and then I'll have to give it back to part-ownership again. I'd forgotten just how much I like being by myself. I was even a little put out when Ray came back from work last night, whereas usually I'm buzzing around by the door waiting for him to get back. I used to spend 90% of my time alone so having spent the last two years pretty much glued to Ray's side (don't get me wrong: it's a lovely place to be stuck) I'd forgotten how much of a loner I really am at heart. Don't worry I have no plans of ditching Ray to return to my loner-lifestyle (damn that pesky love thing!); I was just pleasantly reminded these past twenty-four hours that I can and do love my own company. It was still much more fun playing games with Ray in the evening, though ;)

I'm off unwrap some presents I'd ordered for Ray's birthday; some extremely cool (do not click the links Ray!!) presents. There's also this and this. My boy's a nerd. I always wanted a nerd. I prayed for many years and finally I got one ;)

Enjoy your weekends!

Labels: films, jem, life, love, mammy, ray, reading

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

Last night I went to visit my in-laws. Ray's mother was in work and his gran is poorly so after a bit of chatting we amused ourselves with some old photos Ray had found.

I come from a family that documented most of our lives from childhood onwards. Actually, I think it slowed down once we all got into our teens but then we were able to take over the job ourselves and so there has always been albums full of photos in the cupboards. The other week my parents dug them out and we all stood in the kitchen reminiscing, laughing and teasing each other about the funny faces we were pulling in the shots.

I forget that other people don't take as many photographs. I forget that other people don't put their photos into albums.

Last night I sat down expecting to see heaps of embarrassing photos of Ray when in fact there was only a handful that he featured in. One when he was about twelve - such a skinny blonde thing, and always in a baseball cap. The others from his uncles wedding when he was wearing make-up to cover up a black eye from a fight the night before. He assures me the fight had not been his or his uncle's fault but do you think I beleive him? Do I heck! ;) And finally some photos of him with his cousin proudly holding up some fish they'd caught.

He doesn't say it but I know he feels sad that there aren't more photos of him. That my endless albums worth of childhood photos remind him that his life was different to mine. It made me think about my own childhood.

Ray has always said he loves visiting my family because our house is a home, that everyone can say and do what they like - we're all a bunch of idiots who don't care, basically. I didn't realise just how fun and relaxed and filled with love my family home was and is. I went through some tough times with my family in my late-teen years but looking at us now and how we were before the bad times I wonder how it ever happened, how they could be the same parents who hurt me so much. Because they're not like that anymore. They weren't before and they're not now.

I guess moving out of home has made me look at my family and my family life in a new light, from a different angle. I had a wonderfully happy childhood, no matter how bad it got after puberty hit, the childhood was fun. And in between the bad times the good times were always so good. It's nice to be able to appreciate the good parts of life. I spent so long concentrating on the negative that I forgot to see that there was some damn good times mixed in there too.

Basically: my family rule! ;)

Labels: childhood, daddy, family, in-laws, love, mammy, photos

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

The xbox360 broke Friday night. I beleive they call it the ring of death. Because it basically means the xbox has fried. But through the despair and worry, we went online and booked it in to get fixed, not really knowing how we'd find the money to get it done, we learnt that because this is a known problem with the xbox360 console, and because we've had it less than three years (not even a year yet actually!), we can get it fixed for free. Which is a big relief. Ray packaged it up and today the man from UPS came to collect it. The only good thing we can take from it is it does mean we've dug out the old xbox console and are now playing the original Lego Star Wars game. Ray is very upset, though. He loves his xbox360. I've spent most of the weekend keeping his hands busy elsewhere...

I went to see the new Narnia film Saturday afternoon with Mammy and Jemma. Such a good film. I highly reccomend it. It's darker and yet funnier than the first one. Jem is suicidal, though, cos Peter has said he won't be returning to Narnia again. We're meant to be seeing Hancock this weekend, which looks so funny. I'm really starting to get used to these girlie afternoons we spend in the cinema. I'm going to be sad if they stop.

At the moment I'm listening/watching live wimbledon because I don't want to miss my favourite player: Lleyton Hewitt. Typically he's up against Federrer, which means this will probably be the last game I see him play this tournament. I'm trying to write Olimpia Valley at the same time but something tells me I'm going to get distracted by a cute Australian in white shorts.

Labels: films, jem, lego star wars, lleyton hewitt, mammy, narnia, ray, tennis, wimbledon, xbox, xbox 360

by Ys | COMMENTS? 3 | permalink |

My ambition in life is a simple one. It's been the same one pretty much all my life. It was intensified through my later teen years and I've been obsesseddriven to making it a reality ever since.

All I want is to meet the man I love (check), marry him, buy a house together and fill it with lots of children and animals and love.

Now that ambition does not sit well with feminists. Does not sit well with teachers in school. Does not sit well with women who feel they were forced to live that life yet always wanted more. But to me that is more. That is everything I want.

I was talking last night, just throwing out words to see how they sounded, see where my mind was at. And I just came to realise that that's not what a woman of twenty-five is meant to wish for. I'm meant to want a fulfilling, busy career, which pays me heaps of money so I can go out drinking every night, and buy shoes with the rest of it. I'm not meant to want to save for the future, to make tentative life plans about wanting a house in the country and neighbours close to my age who I can go for drinks down the local pub with, meet up with outside the school gates and be happy with that life.

Have I just been told the wrong things by the teachers in school and the adults in my life? Is it just me or does the media tilt everything in favour of frivulous single life, while painting the family life as boring? And why does it do that? Why can't you mix both and enjoy both? I don't intend on giving up my social life, my youth, just because I've fallen in love and want to get married to that person.

I count myself lucky in that I had two young parents who devoted their lives to me and my siblings in their own ways. Daddy always provided for us financially, with trips out at the weekend to teach us things about life, and Mammy always provided love and fun and games and food. But that didn't stop them going out and enjoying themselves, having friends over, getting drunk. My childhood home was always filled with laughter and friends. And boy did my parents argue when they wanted to. And it was real life and it was emotional but always, always fun. I want that. I don't want the career and the bags of money. I just want laughter and babies and family life. And I want that life to be as fun for my children as it was for me.

Labels: children, daddy, family, life, love, mammy, marriage, work

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |

Wow it's been a busy weekend.

First of all: Joe Absolom finally has a new project. So I was running round (online obviously) trying to find news about that. I love it when he does new projects cos I get to play with my site :)

The weekend was ruled by dog-sitting. Not paid this time, just looking after the dogs, cats, rabbits and birds for my parents while they're away on their holidays. Amber was doing some days and when she was out me and Ray took up the challenge. The first afternoon was awful. The dogs were wound up because we'd brought Sweepie with us and just basically misbehaved the entire time. We went back Saturday for the night and that was much more bearable. We watched Alien Vs Predator - Requiem. It was Ray's choice of film. I didn't really understand what was going on so just before it ended I had to admit my stupidity and ask him what the Predator guy was up to. He explained the history of it (why didn't the film explain he was after the Queen Alien?) and then it made more sense. It was still quite a pants film, though.

In between all the dog-sitting, I suggested we go have a picnic in the water park. That was really nice. The sun was out, it was lovely and warm, the dogs had a great time, and we treated ourselves to some yummy food. Mmm. The coast was covered in mist from the sea so we went for a walk in it. It was quite spooky. And when we came home the second time from my parents house, we decided to eat pizza and chips outside in the garden. It was great to be able to really enjoy our surroundings and make the most of it. The picnic, the walk on the beach, the dinner in the garden: it was great to really appreciate this place, this place that is my home. I'm so lucky :)

You can see pictures from my weekend here, including shots from home, the picnic, the beach and our dinner in the garden.

Not being at home for most of the weekend does mean I have heaps of stuff to catch up on today. Expect multiple comments on missed blog entries, emails answered, my hair freshly dyed and a new book to read because Ray liked the sound of other one I was meant to start and has nicked it to read first.

Labels: amber, beach, daddy, dog-sitting, films, house stuff, joe absolom, life, mammy, photos, ray, reading, websites

by Ys | COMMENTS? 3 | permalink |

It was a bank holiday weekend so naturally it rained.

At least it was dry Saturday when I went out for a girly day with Mammy and Jem. There was a little shopping (I found nothing but have decided that yellow is my favourite colour this summer), a little lunch (Jem had an egg-mayonaise sandwich and has been ill ever since), and, the highlight of the day (and the summer if you're my mother) we went to see Indiana Jones IV.

I was raised on the original trilogy, probably due to my mother's obsessioncrush on Harrison Ford. As a life-long fan, I have to say that the fourth film did not disappoint. I loved how it was alien-based because the great mystery of the fifties (when it was set) was the Roswell alien spaceship crash. It was classic Indie from start to finish. And whoever decided to cast Shai LaBeouf (how do you pronounce his name?) as mini-Indie needs a big gold star. He is just lovely (but I'll save that gushing for another time). So, if you're a fan of the Indiana films then you should love the new one. If you're new to them, as some of the kids were in the audience, then you might want to not go in there expecting it to be like your run-of-the-mill noughties kid's film cos it's not anything like that. A great action film and absolutely hilarious. I hope they make another one!

Apart from that the weekend was literally a wash out. I had picnics and feeding-the-ducks planned but it all had to be scrapped. Sunday was spent trying to get bits and pieces together so Ray could change a tyre on the car (yes that damn car again; thsi time it wasn't the car's fault; there was a nail on the road - pop!). And Monday just never really got started. Although we did watch half of Return of the King (only half cos that film is long - great but long).

It was a nice weekend, though, weather aside. Love, films, sitting around doing not very much, reading, Lord of the Rings - and Banoffee Pie mmmm. The duck's can have their bread later in the week ;)

EDIT @ 5PM: I've updated the projects section, which is all the way down on the right-hand side of the page :)

Labels: car, films, indiana jones, jem, mammy, ray, shia labeouf, shopping, weather

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

This weekend was spent celebrating Jem's birthday. The actual date of her birthday is only today but that didn't stop us starting the celebrations Friday night ;)

We spent a long and lazy afternoon deciding what to wear. There was a lot of pouting, much grabbing of excess flab and turning this way and that to try and get every angle possible of whatever dress we'd decided to try on. Usually such things would bore me. I usually just grab something out of the wardrobe and wear it without giving it much thought. As I've got older - or maybe just cos I now have a boyfriend I really want to impress - I've grown to like playing dress-up.

So Friday evening we walked into town in our dresses (Ray obviously wearing a shirt and trousers, instead of a dress; he just wasn't feeling comfortable in his evening gown ;D). We met up with Mammy, Daddy, Amber and Uncle Bryan for a meal first. The meal was nice but the portions quite small. And there was no decent desert! Not a chocolate cake in sight! I don't think I stopped talking throughout the entire meal. Usually I'm quiet and just sit giggling with Jem or Ray (depending on who's with me). Turns out when you don't live with the people you're dining out with you have lots more to talk about!

Once the meal was finished us three headed into town for drinks. None of us were keen on going to a nightclub and getting harassed by desperados so we decided on a couple of bars instead. Turns out Friday night is Old Person's On The Pull Night. Now, usually, Ray would have all the old ladies chasing him (he attracts them in their thousands) but that night it was actually me and Jem getting harassed by the older people. In the second bar we found some young people and we all seemed to gravitate to the third floor and sat there sipping out vodka-lemonades 'til we were all suitably tipsy.

Saturday was spent watching Wales beat Ireland in the rugby. They've now won the Triple Crown so there was much homo-erotic man-hugging on the pitch. Yum.

Sunday I spent about two hours cleaning. It was exhausting but it was needed. I haven't properly cleaned the house in over a week - tut, tut. After lunch we all headed down the beach with the dogs. Martha barked, Sweepie skipped about trying to find things to eat, I got ear-ache, Ray looked for sea-life and Jem lost the rock she likes to sit on. I think we walked for about two hours and it was really fun. Maybe not when we all started sinking in the soft sand but even that had its element of fun - we did get to scream hehe.

Today is Jem's birthday and so she's been given her presents. The visits by everyone started at 9:30 this morning and will probably last throughout the day. Tonight she gets the cake and the sing-song. Then tomorrow there's another meal out with the family! This has to be the longest birthday celebration ever!

Pictures are being added here ***

Happy Birthday, Jem :)

*** more pictures added

Labels: amber, beach, birthday, daddy, homo-erotic, house stuff, jem, mammy, martha, ray, rugby, sweepie

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

This morning Ray's alarm woke me at 7am. It seems to get earlier every day - and an extra ten minutes earlier, I'm sure, on the mornings when I didn't sleep well during the night. I tell myself that it's just part of living with someone else. His schedule isn't the same as mine - he has a proper job, which means he has to get set his alarm for seven o'clock - when it's still dark outside! It doesn't mean he gets up at that time, though. He just likes to set the alarm and then roll over, kiss my nose and hold me for the next twenty-or-so minutes. On good mornings (usually when I've slept well), I hug him back, take a deep breath of his sweaty morning smell, and try to go back to sleep, while all the while secretly hoping I can stay awake and enjoy the quiet closeness of the moment. On bad mornings (usually when I haven't slept so well cos his body temperature is so high it makes me wake up throwing the blankets off myself in a panic...) I let him hold me, screw my eyes shut and pray that he gets out of bed soon so I can try and go back to sleep for the precious forty minutes before my alarm wakes me.

This morning I decided to reverse the roles. Fair enough: it was still his alarm that woke us both up. And it was him who turned to me, kissed my nose and then wrapped his arms around me. But when the twenty minutes were up, I curled my arm around his neck and wouldn't let go. "You want to me stay?" he asked. I nodded my head. Ten minutes later he said, "I'm really going to have to get up now." I shook my head and clung on tighter. I didn't let him get up 'til 7:50. He was squirming cos he needed to pee and Jem had already got up and gone in the shower. I tried not to giggle but it was kinda funny. So I curled my arms around his neck and dragged him back to the bed. He leaned over me for another five minutes before Jem finally vactated the bathroom and he went running.

That should have made him late for work. But his lift showed up thirty-five minutes late. It was in fact me who was late for my shopping-date with Mammy. So I ran around like a lunatic getting ready while he sat on the sofa sipping coffee, smiling as I sped by, stopping me for a kiss now and again.

One of these days I'll make him run to my schedule ;) But then again where would be the fun in that?

Shopping-wise I didn't do any, which is great cos I had no money. But I have booked myself in to get my hair cut next month.

Labels: hair cut, house stuff, life, love, mammy, ray, shopping

by Ys | COMMENTS? 3 | permalink |

It's just taken my spanking new computer (okay, he's five months old, so maybe he's not spanking anymore...) about three hours to put 1.3GB of photos onto a DVD-disc capable of holding 4.7GB. I don't think it should have taken that long. So I think it must have been my technique. Maybe copy-and-pasting isn't the way to go when using Vista. It doesn't matter now cos my pictures are backed up and so if I accidently delete them (yes, I admit, I lost about six pictures the other day when I put the wrong files in the wrong folder and wrote over the existing pictures...) it won't matter.

This morning I powered up my parents' old computer, which they lent me so that I could get some work off floppy discs. New computers don't have floppy drives so when I found out my memory stick wasn't holding two of my larger novels I panicked about how I was going to retrieve them. Then I remembered my parents still had an old computer knocking about. I found a love-note to Ray on one of the discs that I for some reason hadn't given him. After reading it, I printed it out and am leaving it on the bed for him to find when he gets home from work. I hope it will make up for what happened last night, and help to explain my feelings for him and that as much as they are a work-in-progress, just look at the mess I got myself into when the feelings were instant. Last night was tough for us both. I wish the past could remain buried so that I could enjoy my present and future. Unfortunately life doesn't work out that way.

Good past reared its head a couple of weeks ago. It's taken me this long to mention it because I wasn't sure if it was sticking around. A girl I used to be best friend's with between the ages of three and eleven found me online and we've been coresponding via email for a few weeks. It seems we've lived nearly identical lives. We're going to meet up later this month and I have high hopes. You see, the past doesn't always have to mean badness. That's something I'm learning.

Labels: daddy, friends, laptop, life, love, mammy, photos, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 1 | permalink |

Did everyone spoil their mother this Mother's Day? I tell you, when people invent these holidays they don't think about what it's like when you're in a relationship and so have two sets of mother's to visit. Thank God neither of us have step-mother's as well (well, Ray does but she's never really liked him so she doesn't count). I don't know how you'd fit them all into one day!

I spent the morning with Ray's mother. That was nice. Everyone was in a happy mood and were telling tales and making me laugh. When Ray's gran is on she's really on and just makes me laugh the entire time I'm there. Even her tale about planting her daffodil bulbs upside down had me cracking up! Sunday's at Ray's family is often hectic. It's nice when you're feeling brave cos everyone is there and you get to hang out with the kids and the grown-ups and find out all the gossip. But when you're feeling a little fragile it can often be a little daunting. Being a kind boyfriend, Ray tends to keep me away on Sundays. But Mothering Sunday pretty much means it's going to fall on a Sunday. The key was to get there early enough to miss the mad rush. And we did. There was only three adults and two children.

After a quick lunch it was onto my parents' house. We went from a house filled with people to one filled with animals. There's no way to avoid the mad rush of animal welcomes in my house - you just have to put up with it, and wear clothes you don't mind getting hair and mud all over. We got my mother John Barrowman's Autobiography cos she's a dirty perv' who fancies him, plus the usual flowers and chocolates. The plan was to spend a couple of hours but I think we ended up staying for about four. Daddy needed Ray's help to put up a new door, and Mammy wanted to talk to us. So I held Poopy Wednesday in my arms and listened to all of Mammy's gossip.

It was a nice weekend, even if it was a bit busy. Saturday kind of disappeared on me as well. Ray worked in the morning and then when he got back we went back to bed ;) I'm learning there's more and more perks to living alone, you know? We got up to eat pizza and that was about it. So my long list of things to do never got done, well, all expect me, of course ;) So I've got to get everything done in the evenings this week now. I don't regret a thing.

Labels: daddy, family, in-laws, mammy, mother's day, puppies, ray, sex

by Ys | COMMENTS? 3 | permalink |

It's Sweepie's birthday today! She's two years old. Yep, two years ago I was a sane person who thought Pugs were just weird looking half-dogs. I couldn't understand why my mother had wanted to get one and didn't have a clue how much that dog's puppies were going to change my life.

Sweepie was the biggest, the loudest, the brashest of the pack. She made me laugh all the time. She quickly grew into a little princess. It took until she was about six months old for us to become inseperable, and moving here this year has made that closeness even worse (better). I never thought I'd have a tiny little, needy dog like Sweepie. But it's true what my mother said two years ago when I kept asking her why she'd ever want such a pathetic creature: she's like the baby I can't have.

This year I bought her a collar. If you don't know, Pug's necks are quite big and they're not really meant to wear collars. Well, they can wear them but you can't then pop a lead onto them and walk them, cos you can damage their necks. For walks Sweepie always wears her harness. But since moving here I've been worried about what would happen if she got out one day and someone found her but didn't think to get her scanned (she has a microchip, you see). I might never see her again. So I wanted a disk for her. Which meant she had to have a collar to hang it off. I spent about an hour in Pets At Home deciding on which was the right one (I'm so sorry, Ray; you know you love me for my indecisivness).

The little madam wasn't that keen on it to start with but now I think she's growing to like it.





Isn't she smug in her new clothes? She thinks she's a big dog now, like Auntie Martha.

So, there you go. I am now a crazy Pug lady. I love you, baby: Happy Birthday!

Labels: birthday, mammy, martha, photos, presents, puppies, ray, shopping, sweepie

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |

I had a visit from Poopy-Wednesday yesterday. She was exhausting. She's hit a very naughty stage. When she was quiet it was great but when she started running round again I suddenly remembered why I like to see the puppies go to new homes when they hit this age ;) Here's some photos from the day, if you want to see some dog-only pictures :)

Last night I found a bargain chair! You know how I said I wanted my room to have a blue colour-scheme? Well, I don't have a chair for my desk, cos the one I used to use at home was part of a set that belonged to Mammy and Daddy. So since we've moved in I've not been able to sit at my desk. So when I found a blue chair for only eight-pounds I just knew I had to get it! It's this one - but blue. Look at how happy my desk looks now:



It's really comfortable, too. I thought it would be quite nasty, what with the cheap price, but it's very nice, and it encourages me to sit correctly cos it has a proper straight back to it. Usually I just slump in chairs and get a really bad back. So it's cheap, comfortable, kind to my back, and blue! Perfect!

I used it today for the first time. Because today I started back writing, after an absence of... four months. I always knew I'd be taking about two months off to look after the pups, but then we moved as well and it's taken this long to settle and actually find the time and adjust my routine. I can't tell you how good it was to get back to it. I feel complete again. I'm working on the fourth volume of Soul Mates, which is my baby. "Soul Mates" is what got me writing good, got me writing regularly and just made me realise that writing is what I want to do. So I'm also calling the new blue chair a good luck charm been as it all went so well :)

Labels: daddy, dogs, house stuff, life, mammy, photos, puppies, soul mates, writing

by Ys | COMMENTS? 3 | permalink |

I'm ill again. I swear I am normally a healthy person. I blame Ray entirely. He brought some bug home and passed it onto me. As he said, the fun we had passing it on does probably make it worth it. It is only a little cold. And I think this time this one is only a small cold. Ray seemed a lot worse with his than I am with my version. I'm hoping to pass it onto Jemma cos it's just polite to share these things, isn't it? ;) Hehe, only kidding Jem.

My test at the doctors was fine. I think it helps when you have a really nice and friendly nurse. She talked me through everything and tried to help me relax. Boy, that sounds dodgy; I don't mean she physically helped me; she just tried to put me at ease. This thing does not make you feel very relaxed hehe. We call it a duck in my house. I kept telling Ray how I was going out for my date with the duck. Well, you've got to make a joke out of it, haven't you? But the whole thing wasn't too bad at all. A little uncomfortable but nothing to get upset about.

While I was there I found out I have to move doctors surgeries cos I'm out of their catchment area. I guess that's not too bad but it's just so much hassle. I'm not claiming my doctors are great, cos they're certainly not, but you get to know them over the years. It's going to be weird seeing someone else. I've got to find a place in town who have room on their books for me yet. Knowing my luck I'll be doctor-less now! Which will be no good considering my immune system has decided to pack up.

I forgot to say how I had a great Friday - everyone came over to see us! My younger sister came over first. It was so good seeing her cos I haven't seen her in ages. Then my mother came to pick her up. Then after that Ray's gran and mother came over. I love visits from people now. Usually I'm quite anti-social and much prefer having my house to myself but playing host is actually quite a fun job. I have to be in the right mood for it, though. I can still be anti-social a lot of the time ;) Mammy's coming over this afternoon to check on Sweepie. As far as I can tell she's pretty much back to her usual self. I just want Mammy to check the wound now cos it makes me go funny when I have to look at it.

I'm off to sneeze and cough my way through Halo 2 then...

Labels: amber, doctors, family, house stuff, illness, jem, mammy, ray, sweepie

by Ys | COMMENTS? 3 | permalink |

The weather has still been really nice and warm... until today. Typical that it waits 'til Valentines Day to drop so cold, especially considering Ray has planned for us to eat chips on the beach tonight - we're skint so it's like our version of a meal out ;) We haven't exchanged presents yet. Partly because I was half-unconscious this morning (how he gets up at 7 every morning I'll never know; I got up at 7 yesterday, too, cos Wednesday came over for the day so I am exhausted now), and partly because the presents I've ordered for him haven't turned up yet - even though I ordered them over a week ago! I'm not impressed at all cos now he's got to have late Valentines presents and then there'll be no point, will there? Grr.

I have no idea what he's got me. I have a feeling he'll upstage me cos he's really surprising me with stuff today. Firstly, the card this morning had an adorable message in it, which just made me want to cry - really made my message look like the pits hehe, not quite but almost ;) And then I got a big surprise:



I've never had flowers delivered to my door before. It was very exciting actually. And I always love getting flowers. I really hadn't been expecting any cos, well, flowers are pretty expensive at this time of year, aren't they? So that was just lovely. He's obviously going to upstage me tonight cos he actually has presents for me whereas mine aren't even here ;)

Want to see my new bookcase? Isn't it lovely?



It was a gift from Mammy :) And then we also got two steamers (one electric, one not) from Ray's gran and mother, and some bed sheets too, which are so, so pretty. I feel very, very spoilt this week.

Today has had its downside, though. Sweepie went to be spayed today. That was very stressful indeed. But Mammy rang about half an hour ago and assured me she's fine - grumpy but absolutely fine. She'll be coming home the same time I will be after my chips - Ray and I wanted to make sure we were both back home by the time she was getting back cos she's going to need a lot of TLC. Martha has had some bad news today. They found out she has a heart murmur and a crumbling spine (sorry can't find a link for what that exactly is). Mammy assures us it's not as bad as it sounds and it's actually a good thing we know cos now she can have medication and could quite possibly revert back to her usual hyperactive self. But we're all hoping her calm mood is more from maturity and not illness so she'll remain calm.

They'll be both home again tonight so we can nurse them better. It's been horrible here without them both. Way too quiet. We went shopping and came home to no accusing glances and sniffs as to where we'd been and why we'd think to go out without them.

I'll end with some photos from the sunny weekend that just passed: I Can't Wait 'Til Summer.

EDIT: so blogger wouldn't let me update - I tried for ages. To update on the news: my Valentines Day chips in the car date was so, so good. It was like we fell into a time void. We got home to meet Sweepie and she was very poorly and sad. I had to check on her all night and although there was some bleeding the next day she's absolutely fine now :) Ray bought me a really pretty jewellry-holder-thing (I'll get pictures), and he says I have another present on it's way as well, which is very intriguing.

... Have a new layout as well ;)

Labels: illness, love, mammy, martha, photos, presents, ray, sweepie, valentines day

by Ys | COMMENTS? 1 | permalink |

Squee. It's a funny word. I had to try and explain what it meant once. I found it difficult. I suppose different people take it to mean different things. For me squee is an exclamation, a word uttered usually while clasping your hands together in front of your chest as you try not to let the cutest thing in the world cripple you with... well, squee.

I don't use the word to describe people I fancy. If a guy or girl makes me go squee (yes, the word squee to me is a verb) then you can pretty much assume I have no sexual feelings for them. But then for me I then enter a muddy kind of place that has no real words to describe it. I can squee over someone and not want to do anything sexual with them, but because of the squee emotion I will probably want to hold them close to me.

There's a young boy who I've known for a few years. He's a dopey thing. Everyone who meets him thinks he's a dope. But in me he brings out this squee emotion. Because we've moved, I end up seeing him about once a week now, in a public place where I have to pretend to him that my squee muscles aren't screaming inside me. How do you explain to a boy of about eighteen that you want to wrap your arms around them, hold them against your chest and end that ache in your heart you get sometimes when your maternal instincts go nuts? Well, you just can't, can you? So I smile politely, he serves me what I need, we might say hello, then I go on my way. But for the next few hours all I can think is how I want to bring him home with me. There's absolutely nothing sexual in this want. I would curl and up die if anyone even suggested that was my motive. But it's some weird place in the middle of wanting to mother someone and wanting to sleep with them. I've discussed this with my mother before now and she understands the emotion. I've tried explaining it to Jemma but she doesn't get it. Different folks, different strokes and all that.

There's another guy who brings out this emotion strongly in me. (Yes, they are mostly guys who make me squee, I think purely because I've always been closer with guys than girls, so the need to protect them is probably stronger than my need to protect girls.) This guy is no longer a boy, he's a man. But I still can't get past the idea in my head that he's still a kid. I'd still love to get him away from his new hectic lifestyle, hold him close against my chest, feed him too much food, and see he gets a good night's rest. The problem with this guy is Jem fancies the pants off him. We spent a hilarious walk yesterday morning trying to decipher the differences in our feelings towards this boy/man.

There is no reason for this post, no great revelation at the end. I just find squee a very strange emotion. And I find my mothering/fancying combined emotion is a really strange one to explain. I think if you're in no way maternal then you will never understand what I mean. I like the emotion anyway. But it does make me end the post by asking: Ray, can we adopt these two young boys now?

Labels: adoption, boys, life, love, mammy, maternal, squee

by Ys | COMMENTS? 5 | permalink |

Seeing Take That was lots and lots of fun - as always. Because it was up in Manchester we had a long drive ahead of us. We sang along to all the Take That albums and I took some photos of the scenery, been as we'd taken the scenic route instead of the motorway way.



We got into Manchester at about four. Everyone drives crazy there. They were doing U-turns in the middle of the busy main road! Because we got lost we decided to join in with the manic driving hehe. When we finally did get into the hotel we all went a bit insane. I laughed so much I collapsed on the floor and nearly vomited. Mammy always makes me laugh like a crazy person hehe. Check out the view of the Manchester Wheel from my hotel window:



This is what I wore to the gig, although the picture was taken after it cos we'd forgotten to take pictures before we left. That's the cardigan I got in Portugal last year and I still adore it :)



Well, the show itself, what can I say? I don't think it's possible to ever have a bad Take That show. Every one I've been to has been full of energy and light and excitment. And Friday night was no exception. I danced and sang my ass off. I took a couple of crappy pictures on my phone...





They're all looking so much older than they did when I saw them last year... And I like it ;) It's so sexy. Mmm. Hehehehe. Honestly, if you get a chance to see this band: do it! They will not disappoint. If you can't get a ticket, go and buy one of their Live DVD's, cos even on the TV screen the shows look amazing.

After very little sleep (Mammy snores very loudly), and a lovely huge breakfast, we headed home again. We passed this really creepy looking tree-guy. I didn't get a great picture of him but, well, he still creeps me out!



What is he all about?

Now I've got a present to get completed by Christmas Day... I dunno if I'm going to get it finished on time. Still, I wouldn't have missed Take That for the world ;)

Labels: christmas, gigs, mammy, photos, presents, take that

by Ys | COMMENTS? 1 | permalink |

I was planning a nice relaxing day today. You know those days where you just wake up feeling sleepy, the weather's rotten, so you just imagine a day spent curled up on the sofa with your puppies? It didn't happen.

Just as I was brushing my hair after my shower the phone rang. I hurdled the mess to get to the phone in my parent's room. Lucky I answered it because it was my mother. Yesterday she'd ferried some dogs from a dog's home to the vets (where she works as a vet-nurse); she does this quite often. Yesterday she had Falls with her, which, again, happens quite often. Only what they found out today is that one of the dogs she was carrying in the back of her car has Parvovirus. For non-dog owners maybe you don't know what this is. The link will help, but in short it's a really nasty disease that means the infected dog has to be quaranteened from others. The disease can be spread from one dog to the other via human clothing, or other dog's coats or feet. Of course, Falls was with Mammy yesterday. He came into contact with the dog. It might have been brief but it could have been enough to do damage. And we have the puppies who are at a greater risk of fatality to the disease because they are so young, and obviously they aren't vaccinated.

So, after finishing talking to Mammy, I abandoned my relaxing day for some vigorous cleaning. I started by taking note of what everyone had been wearing last night and got Jem and Amber to give me those clothes to put in the wash. I got any shoes, as well, and made sure they were cleaned with disenfectant. Then I stripped the throws off the sofas, the beds out of the dog's baskets and the puppies' soft toys. I then got the mop out, filled it with disenfectant and mopped the kitchen, dining-room and living-room. Then I got the pups out of the cage and mopped their floor down, changed and mopped their bed, before putting fresh newspaper and a clean bed in for them.

Unfortunately, now all we can do is wait and see. Falls wasn't with the infected dog for very long, and although he did play with the pups last night he was tired after his day in work and so did spend most of the night asleep on the sofa. We've done all we can do now. We just have to wait and see and pray that everyone will be okay.

Diseases and worry aside, I did go out for a lovely meal with Jem last night. I ate a lot and we talked about the houses we're going to see at the weekend. We're trying to guess the plan of one of them because it seems like there's too many rooms for such a small space. It took them forty-five minutes to take our bill, as well. And even then they didn't take it, we just went up to the bar and asked if we could pay. You'd think they'd be chomping our hands off for the money.

Okay, I'm going back to worrying now...

Labels: dogs, falls, food, illness, jem, mammy, money, puppies, vets

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

I've been unconscious since the weekend. My small cold turned nasty.

Saturday I spent the afternoon in bed watching the Wales V South Africa rugby match. I managed to get up at half-time and say hello to two sets of aunts and uncles (from my mother's side) who'd popped round. They don't just "pop round" very often. They live in England, we live in Wales. For some reason they never come to see us, whereas I know a lot of them do pop in on my uncle who lives ten minutes away.

The evening was spent on the sofa. Mammy got really weird - Post Sibling Visit Syndrome - and started saying some really messed up things. For some reason I found myself defending aunts and uncles I barely even know. Well, she was saying some weird stuff. As always, she took offence to what I said, and I was deemed the anti-Christ and that was that - she hasn't spoken to me since. Although she has been making up lies about me picking on one of the dogs - which is just insane cos I adore all the dogs. Her and my younger sister had a good old bitch. Younger sister stupidly told Jemma about it, who of course told me. I confronted Mammy about it; she was left speechless cos obviously her lie had been presented to her face. I don't think we've said more than two words to each other since. Ahh family dramas.

Of course, she had to pick now to have her funny five minutes, didn't she? I mean, I'm quite clearly ill as ill can be - and there she is picking fights! I haven't had the energy to fight back, hence the no talking.

My illness has got progressively worse. I didn't sleep at all Monday night and so spent Tuesday (yesterday) in a state of semi-consciousness. I sent Ray home at 9pm and crawled into bed with a bowl of Vicks and a towel over my head. I don't know whether it was just the Vicks but I slept pretty much right through the night. I'm feeling almost human again today.

It's my younger sister's birthday tomorrow, so if I don't blog again: Happy Birthday, Amber. She's going to be nineteen. Which is super weird cos she only seems about sixteen. I'm glad I'm feeling a bit better today cos I've got to get to a shop and buy her a card. I've had her present here for ages but now I've just got to summon up the energy to get to a shop.

I hate being ill. This week truly has been the worst week of 2007. I've not only been ill, been arguing with my parents, been ostrasised by them, but I also had some super shitty news about the something I didn't want to mention in one of the earlier posts. Yes, sounds cryptic, I know, but I'd just rather not talk about it. So all in all this week has sucked.

Labels: amber, arguing, birthday, daddy, family, illness, jem, mammy, ray, rugby

by Ys | COMMENTS? 5 | permalink |

check out my babies check out my babies check out my babies

As if raising puppies wasn't enough, when Jem and I took the dogs for a walk up the road, we found a black kitten in the hedge. He was meaowing from the hedge, calling for help. We picked him up and took him to the nearby house to see if they'd lost a kitten but they hadn't. And the woman next door to her didn't know who he belonged to. So we brought him home.



Mammy took a look at him and found out he had a dislocated hip. We knew we couldn't keep him - not only because we already have five cats, but because we have the two pups so there's really no more room for anymore babies at the moment. He was rather cute, although he was riddled with huge fleas - thank God Mammy had flea-killer stuff.

He soon made himself at home. Gazing lovingly at Falls and then using Sweepie's booty as a pillow throughout the night:





He spent the night here and then this morning Mammy drove him to her work (at the vets). Her boss, the vet, diagnosed the hip dislocation. He'll spend the weekend at the surgery with the other two surgery-cats and then on Monday have an operation to re-set his hip. Then he'll go to his new home with a woman who's nutty about cats and is very good with those who've suffered hip/pelvis trauma. So the little thing might have had a rough beginning but he's going to have a great life from here on out.

I think God sent the kitten to make up for the small litter Madge had, hehe.

check out my babies check out my babies check out my babies

Labels: falls, jem, kitten, mammy, photos, sweepie

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

It's happened. My hormones have gone into meltdown.

I've always had loopy hormones. I think that's what comes of having life-long cysts growing on your ovaries, then having said ovary taken out when your midway through puberty. It kind of sent my hormones off into a world of their own where some times I was neurotic, other times filled with such love I thought I'd burst, and other times they'd actually calm down and let me feel momentarily normal.

During the last three years or so my hormones have calmed considerably. I don't suffer from PMT and I only really get cranky if I'm tired or hungry. But of course I've now slung in my new funtastic birth control tablets (I love that phrase... birth control). And my hormones are screaming at me in protest.

Everything was absolutely fine until about 7pm last night. Ray came over and started putting the finishing touches to the new wooden-flooring in the living-room; I sat and observed on the sofa, playing the What Colour Pants Is Ray Wearing Today game. I suddenly got very tired (I had done in the afternoon, as well) and felt the need to curl up foetal-position on the sofa. Ray noticed I wasn't looking good and came over to give me a hug. He asked if I was okay and I felt the insane urge to burst into tears. Oh dear me. I don't do random bursts of tears. I cry in private not in company.

The night got steadily worse with me feeling more and more emotional. I felt suddenly stifled by Ray just by something innocent he'd said about how "when we make plans" when in my head it's me who makes plans for me - not me and him. Then he ran off to fix the toilet (it broke Tuesday night so because he couldn't the part for it Wednesday he did a quick-fix on it last night) as soon as Jem complained that it was broken, which immediately got me weepy cos I have the whole issue of Why do men always do everything for her just cos she's short and blonde whereas I'm expected to be strong and capable just cos I'm tall and brunette? Mammy knew I was upset and so spent the entire time Ray was fixing the toilet trying to keep me busy - bless.

I spent the rest of the evening nearly crying until when Ray left I went upstairs and had a good cry in the bathroom.

Today I'm not feeling quite so unhinged and out of control but I'm still not completely normal. I'm willing the hormones to calm down - fast. I have no time for silly, girlie hysterics. I know it probably doesn't help that I'm still bleeding eight days after I started the damn tablets. I googled for some info and one girl said she bled for the full three months she was taking the tablets! Sod that! I might be able to make it through one sachet of tablets before returning to the doctor but I'd be surprised if I had the patience to wait 'til then. This period has to stop now - I'm sick of it! I'm now linking my eratic behaviour to the never-ending period so I hate it even more.

At least tonight Ray doesn't have to fit any more wooden flooring so I'm going to steal him away up to my bedroom so we can actually spend some time together alone before the week is out. I feel like I haven't seen him at all this week - it's been horrible. I'm sure that hasn't helped my mood.

Urgh, being a woman is no fun at the moment. But at least my aching jaw is a lot better; and my aching neck and shoulder are also nearly completely healed. So maybe my body isn't completely packing up on me just yet.

Labels: hormones, illness, jem, mammy, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

The problems I thought I'd be having my parents didn't actually materialise. Sometimes I think I wrongly expect the worst from them. I know I can't be blamed for thinking that way but it does make me feel bad when I'm proved wrong (except it makes me feel good at the same time, as well, obviously). They've been great this weekend - both of them. I think, as a lot of us do, especially when we're young and wrapped up in our own lives, I forgot to look at it from their perspective. From some things that they've said this weekend I think they're a little worried about what it'll be like for them when me and Jem move out next year. They'll still have Amber at home but two of their pups will have gone and that's a big section of the pack to lose. I think their recent behaviour has been a knee-jerk reaction to our plans to move out (not exclusively, obviously, I am well aware their lives do not solely revolve around me). It's sort of like their preparing little obstacles to keep themselves busy during the transition. And I think as an adult I need to let them have those obstacles. They didn't do it to make me feel like crap, didn't do it to prove that my problems were nothing and were allowed to be ridiculed whereas my other siblings are not; they did it because they needed to. And they've made a big show this weekend of making sure I didn't feel abandoned or over-looked, and that what I went through (and continue to go through) is not being ignored. We've had our problems through the years and when my parents act so caringly, so considerate of my feelings (regardless of my other two sisters, who they look after in which ever way they need) I am always surprised into silence and bemusement. It's been a good weekend with them. I feel very blessed.

Last night Ray, Jem and I went down the pub to watch the England V France match. It was very boring. Some of the younger boys kept stripping and jumping around the room in all their glory. While the older boys gave us some dirty looks and ignored us for the rest of the night. Ahh the rugby club, how I love it.

I had a take-out pizza last night, as well, mmm. Then Ray and I watched Moulin Rouge, which is such a bad film but the ending a