It's Ray's birthday today. He turns twenty-two. When we first started dating he was nineteen. As I keep on reminding him: he'll always be my younger man no matter what his age ;)

The celebrations started Friday night with what I seem to recall was called "the best ever". Saturday we planned a lazy day slobbing around the house, hugging Sweepie and making sure she didn't feel too sad when we left her the following day. It didn't work: she saw me packing and started pouting that night. Sunday was a very early morning wake-up call so that we could be on the road by 8. We weren't actually on the road 'til twenty minutes after that. The wedding vow renewals were lovely. They got it done in a little wood hut, which got me quite excited cos I've always had this vision of my ideal wedding day... I won't give it all away but a hut-like building is in there. The party afterwards at the pub didn't include dancing unfortunately (the singer didn't turn up!) but there was lots of conversations with various members of my family. I rarely get to see my parents' brothers and sisters so when I do I always feel like a stranger. They're all really close so we're always out on our own. Not this time, though; this time we were embraced, which was really nice. I got clucky over my second-cousin who is four years old and doesn't ever shut up. "Are you ready to be tickled, girls?" So dodgy ;) Ray curled his hand over mine, tapped my wedding finger and mouthed "Mine." The night was going great 'til I got really bad stomach pains and had to run to the toilet in fear I was going to vomit. I had to go home by 9pm. I couldn't work out what was wrong until I remembered that I'd taken some painkillers without food. That's what upset my stomach last time. I'd worried my period pain would ruin the night so I took my strong painkillers; turns out they were what ruined it for me in the end. Typical. I missed my mother being hilariously drunk. She's always a laugh when she's drunk ;) She did think the room Ray and I were sleeping in was a toilet... But found out quick enough it wasn't not to cause embarrassment ;)

A TRIP TO TELFORD

Today, it being the actual day of Ray's birthday, Ray and I spent half an hour in bed before we had to get up. He opened his cards and was allowed one of my presents (Series 5 of "Red Dwarf"). Tonight he gets to open the rest, gets to eat banoffi pie, and he has one extra present, which I picked up today in town. I'll gush and share pictures tomorrow. Today I have to wrap presents and get everything ready for him :)

Labels: birthday, family, illness, life, love, mammy, photos, presents, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 0 | permalink |

I'm feeling much more sane now. We watched my Tudors DVD and all that bodice-ripping and heaving bosoms drove all other thoughts clean out of my brain. So no more tales of woe from me... until next month ;)

I am perfectly happy with how things are in my life. And I think that was one of the factors that drove me round the twist. Not meaning to sound melodramatically woe-is-me, but things didn't exactly go too well for me past the age of fourteen. It wasn't until I was twenty-one that I reclaimed my life and started actually doing what I wanted to without getting an incredible amount of grief for it. And now here I am, four years later, and I have everything (or at least the seeds of everything...) I've ever wanted. I'm totally in love with Ray who is totally in love with me in return; I have finally moved out of home and have my independence; I have one book published and am roaring through the writing of more and more every day. I am happy and content. I'm not claiming everything is perfect cos that would be a totally ridiculous thing to say. I don't have enough money (who does?), I don't have any children (yeah, still on that kick ;D); and on a more personal note I haven't yet managed to shrug away all the baggage I carry around with me. But I am working on it. There's nothing worse than people living in the past, digging up old wounds and displaying them as an excuse for this, that and the other. I'm an adult now and I believe that when you get to a certain point in your life you just accept things as they are. Of course you keep striving for more, for better, for perfection, but I think if I ever reached it my head would explode.

But anyway, I digress. My point was that I had wonderful sex in a sticky hot bedroom and it was so good that it popped whatever was loose back into place and I am myself again! (Plus I'm on Day Two of my Pill, which means calm is restoring itself to my hormones once more ;D) I went onto dream about those fleshy bits on the back of hips. Actually I think the heat is just making me horny and when I'm horny I can't be bothered to think about life and how it all works and why we do what we do ;) Hooray for the summer!

Labels: life, love, rant, ray, sex, weather

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

I had the house to myself yesterday. All day.

Jem and Mammy went to see Kylie Minogue up in Manchester yesterday. So not only did I get some Me Time (oh precious Me Time, I'd forgotten what that time was like), which entailled me cleaning, writing, and reading two-thirds of The Gunslinger. But I also got some Alone Time with Ray. Which meant eating lasagne and Tagliatelle (it seems to be our food of love ;D), watching Grand Designs (have I mentioned how I've commissioned Ray to build me my dream home?) & The Fifth Element (Ray fancies Milla Jovovich, while I've always had a thing for Bruce Willis); and much, much fun in the bedroom.

The house is all mine for another four hours or so, depending on traffic, and then I'll have to give it back to part-ownership again. I'd forgotten just how much I like being by myself. I was even a little put out when Ray came back from work last night, whereas usually I'm buzzing around by the door waiting for him to get back. I used to spend 90% of my time alone so having spent the last two years pretty much glued to Ray's side (don't get me wrong: it's a lovely place to be stuck) I'd forgotten how much of a loner I really am at heart. Don't worry I have no plans of ditching Ray to return to my loner-lifestyle (damn that pesky love thing!); I was just pleasantly reminded these past twenty-four hours that I can and do love my own company. It was still much more fun playing games with Ray in the evening, though ;)

I'm off unwrap some presents I'd ordered for Ray's birthday; some extremely cool (do not click the links Ray!!) presents. There's also this and this. My boy's a nerd. I always wanted a nerd. I prayed for many years and finally I got one ;)

Enjoy your weekends!

Labels: films, jem, life, love, mammy, ray, reading

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

Last night I went to visit my in-laws. Ray's mother was in work and his gran is poorly so after a bit of chatting we amused ourselves with some old photos Ray had found.

I come from a family that documented most of our lives from childhood onwards. Actually, I think it slowed down once we all got into our teens but then we were able to take over the job ourselves and so there has always been albums full of photos in the cupboards. The other week my parents dug them out and we all stood in the kitchen reminiscing, laughing and teasing each other about the funny faces we were pulling in the shots.

I forget that other people don't take as many photographs. I forget that other people don't put their photos into albums.

Last night I sat down expecting to see heaps of embarrassing photos of Ray when in fact there was only a handful that he featured in. One when he was about twelve - such a skinny blonde thing, and always in a baseball cap. The others from his uncles wedding when he was wearing make-up to cover up a black eye from a fight the night before. He assures me the fight had not been his or his uncle's fault but do you think I beleive him? Do I heck! ;) And finally some photos of him with his cousin proudly holding up some fish they'd caught.

He doesn't say it but I know he feels sad that there aren't more photos of him. That my endless albums worth of childhood photos remind him that his life was different to mine. It made me think about my own childhood.

Ray has always said he loves visiting my family because our house is a home, that everyone can say and do what they like - we're all a bunch of idiots who don't care, basically. I didn't realise just how fun and relaxed and filled with love my family home was and is. I went through some tough times with my family in my late-teen years but looking at us now and how we were before the bad times I wonder how it ever happened, how they could be the same parents who hurt me so much. Because they're not like that anymore. They weren't before and they're not now.

I guess moving out of home has made me look at my family and my family life in a new light, from a different angle. I had a wonderfully happy childhood, no matter how bad it got after puberty hit, the childhood was fun. And in between the bad times the good times were always so good. It's nice to be able to appreciate the good parts of life. I spent so long concentrating on the negative that I forgot to see that there was some damn good times mixed in there too.

Basically: my family rule! ;)

Labels: childhood, daddy, family, in-laws, love, mammy, photos

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

My ambition in life is a simple one. It's been the same one pretty much all my life. It was intensified through my later teen years and I've been obsesseddriven to making it a reality ever since.

All I want is to meet the man I love (check), marry him, buy a house together and fill it with lots of children and animals and love.

Now that ambition does not sit well with feminists. Does not sit well with teachers in school. Does not sit well with women who feel they were forced to live that life yet always wanted more. But to me that is more. That is everything I want.

I was talking last night, just throwing out words to see how they sounded, see where my mind was at. And I just came to realise that that's not what a woman of twenty-five is meant to wish for. I'm meant to want a fulfilling, busy career, which pays me heaps of money so I can go out drinking every night, and buy shoes with the rest of it. I'm not meant to want to save for the future, to make tentative life plans about wanting a house in the country and neighbours close to my age who I can go for drinks down the local pub with, meet up with outside the school gates and be happy with that life.

Have I just been told the wrong things by the teachers in school and the adults in my life? Is it just me or does the media tilt everything in favour of frivulous single life, while painting the family life as boring? And why does it do that? Why can't you mix both and enjoy both? I don't intend on giving up my social life, my youth, just because I've fallen in love and want to get married to that person.

I count myself lucky in that I had two young parents who devoted their lives to me and my siblings in their own ways. Daddy always provided for us financially, with trips out at the weekend to teach us things about life, and Mammy always provided love and fun and games and food. But that didn't stop them going out and enjoying themselves, having friends over, getting drunk. My childhood home was always filled with laughter and friends. And boy did my parents argue when they wanted to. And it was real life and it was emotional but always, always fun. I want that. I don't want the career and the bags of money. I just want laughter and babies and family life. And I want that life to be as fun for my children as it was for me.

Labels: children, daddy, family, life, love, mammy, marriage, work

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |

Do you remember how two weeks ago I said I was broody? Well I still am. And it's got much worse. In fact, throughout all my years of getting these bouts of broodiness, they've never quite felt like this. Could be simply because I could technically have a baby this time, what with me having a boyfriend who I have sex with. But then again it could be because I'm at that age where having babies goes from something I'm going to do some time in the future to something that's going to happen sooner rather than later. It also has a hell of a lot to do with the fact that I really love Ray and want to have his baby. And I've never really wanted to physically have children before; my plan was to adopt. I just keep looking at Ray and thinking of the very beautiful children we could make together.

But that was not in the plan. I was all set for enjoying a few years with Ray alone. Just me and him and no one else. We've never been on our own yet, not properly. I wanted marriage, a house of our own, time to ourselves. Then babies. And I still want that. But my hormones are screaming out in pain because that means another couple of years, at least, without having a baby of my own.

So there's the cause of my recent downward mood swing. I was hoping it wasn't that but it is, I know it is. My plan is to talk it out of my brain, my heart and soul. Then in a few days time, maybe a couple of weeks, I can look back and think Phew, thank God I didn't go and get myself pregnant; I so don't want a baby now. That's the plan anyway.

[P.S. Martha has finally updated her blog.]

Labels: broody, children, life, love, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

I read the following article and thought Ahh, thank God, at last someone who says it how it is:

• 'Miserable' voters slammed

Then I noticed there was nearly three hundred comments after it so I clicked on them and read a few. Everyone was disagreeing with the article, going on about how hard life was and how the Labour government had ruined our entire lives. I was beyond shocked. I mean, I was a child in the 80's so if I can remember how bad life used to be in this country why can't the older generation who were actually paying the bills during that time? How can people honestly say that we live hard, poor lives these days? Think of all the gadgets in your home and how much they cost. When I was a child we had hand-me-down clothes and toys, we could only just afford to run one car - and that car was not brand new, it was always second- or even third-hand. Our family "holidays" were just camping trips by the beach because we couldn't afford anything else. The high-paid, yuppies in the cities were well-off in the 80's but the ordinary people were not. These days those ordinary people are driving thousand-pound's worth of cars - at least two per home! They're jet-setting off to hot countries two or three times a year. Their children have mobile phones, and TV's and DVD's in their bedrooms. They have XBOX's and Playstations - and they have PC's as well.

I am so infuriated with the whining, whinging, self-obsessed people who live in this country alongside me! We all spent like lunatics for years and years and no one saved. This is the downside of living such a life. You always have to pay in the end. You'd have thought a credit-obsessed nation would understand that. But, no, they'd rather moo on about how hard their lives are because they can only afford to have one holiday a year. Well, in this house we can't even afford that one holiday. We can make the bills - just. The cost of the car kills us but we do what we know has to be done: we sacrifice frivulous spending, we sacrifice our social lives, so we can afford to live. That's how life has to be sometimes. If I'm only twenty-five and I've already got that message, why haven't the older generation?

And then I went along to Jenn's blog and she totally put into (beautiful) words exactly how I've been feeling lately.

Lately my... positivity(?) has been taking big hits. So last week I began working on gaining it back ("it" includes me enjoying work, having good self-esteem, being excited over the little things... ) All those things have been slipping away from me for the past month. I don't like be unhappy (who does?) b/c unhappiness is so addictive. it's so easy to stay unhappy and it's such a self-validating drug. It's destructive and I know it's not worth putting mental energy into.

Ray and I had a date last night (our first one in months cos we haven't been able to afford it) and I tried explaining to him how something feels missing from my life, as if I want to do something but I'm not sure what and it's driving me up the wall. That coupled with my everything's-getting-me-down mood has made me feel really weird lately. Money is a factor, I know that. Worrying about it and having to keep a tight hold on the reins, not being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. I have my independence but I've not really been able to use it since the first month we moved in because then life got in the way. I miss being happy and positive and giggly and silly. The house feels very oppressive. When Hilary stayed she lifted us all up and I worried about not a single thing. As soon as she left I felt the house dip again. I hated that.

So I'm making a firm decision now: no more moping, no more I-wish-this, no more listening to crap that doesn't even matter. I am in love, I am loved in return, I have my own place, Sweepie is a naughty little thing but she's my baby and I love her and I have her here with me. I have the sea and the beach and beautiful walks. I don't want to listen to woe-is-me anymore. I'm taking my life back. My life.

Enjoy your weekends! :)

Labels: life, love, money, politics, rant

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |

Ray.

He's the guy who wakes me up early every morning to give me a goodbye kiss before work. (Apparently he stays to watch me sleep as well - which I do not think is fair - how awful must I look? Dribbling and all!)

I love the way he comes in from work - smelling of sweat and covered in dust. I love how he holds his hands away from me as he's hugging me in case he ruins my clothes. I especially love how he comes downstairs smelling of manfume and wearing his pretty clothes, proclaiming that the effort is all for my benefit and no one else.

The way he holds my hand on the dinner table when we've both finished our meals and are either waiting for Jem to finish (eat faster girl!) or are all talking about some thing or another. The way he hooks his foot through the bottom rung of my chair so that he's ever so slightly boxing me in, keeping me safe.

The fact that coffee always follows a meal.

I love that he likes the stupid programmes that I do. Curling up on the sofa, leaning on his shoulder, listening to his heart beat, watching "Great British Menu" or "Doctor Who" or some programme about the countryside of Britain. I love that it doesn't usually matter what's on the TV, just being with him, quiet and together, reconnecting after we've been apart all day.

I love how he tickles me - even though I claim otherwise. How he grabs my hips and strokes down my legs, as if I'm a horse that needs its muscles checking. The way he holds my hand - even when we're just sitting in the house.

I love the curl of hair at the back of his neck and the sides of his ears. His floppy fringe that never listens and always needs to be stroked to one side. His so pretty blue eyes, perfect straight white teeth and gorgeous full lips. I love that he stopped shaving for me and now has year-round closely-trimmed facial hair. I love the little ginger hairs that grow in it; I love plucking out the long hairs that he misses with the shaver.

I especially love the games we play when we're cleaning our teeth at night. Secret games that are only for us to know but make me laugh night after night.

The riding crop, the handcuffs, the belts. The lessons on how to fit a condom correctly. The way his eyes roll when he's enjoying himself. His obsession with tongues and saliva. The pleasure that comes every single time - yes, every single time. When he doesn't cry out when I draw blood on his back, and refuses to let me feel guilty for it.

The way he tickles my back every single night to send me to sleep. The hugs before sleep comes. The final kiss, as if there won't be another. The I-love-you's, as if there won't come a time to say them again. The puff of his lips as he falls asleep.

Happy anniversary, baby. I love you.

Labels: anniversary, love, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |

I'm not in the best of moods.

Money always leads to arguments. I always said that was so when I was growing up and now I have a (small) family of my own I find it's more than true. I stand by my first ever statement about money: it's evil. It makes people nasty. Of course I have to go to work all weekend to make that evil money to fill up my bank account for my in case of emergencies fund (which really means birthdays and Christmas). In a way I miss having no money at all. Things were easier then. Of course I was relying on my parents evil money to pay for the house I was living in, but personal money wasn't even a thought for me. I couldn't afford to buy new clothes or go out anywhere expensive. Things were easier then. Now I have to worry about bills being paid, getting enough money to put food on the table, managing the weekly savings so that we have enough when the big bills come through at the end of the month. Which makes me the person to hate when the money isn't as high as it should be. In fact this time the money was as high as it was meant to but because I didn't know that figure off the top off my head (yes, I'm slipping this week: too much sun and not enough slaving over figures) a tantrum was had. The quiet kind that leaves me feeling very lonely and helpless. Of course I love having control over the finances, I wouldn't trust anyone else to do it, but that does mean when things are spent when they shouldn't be and I say, "It's time to tighten the belt," I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who has to say no. Not that I said no last night or that we needed to spend less. In fact we spent a good £20 less on food this week than we usually do (I still don't know how that happened...). But the bank account said a figure that wasn't wanted to be read. So naturally it's my fault. I still can't work out why that was the case either, though...

Basically: money is evil. It makes nice people turn into bastards. We should just go back to trading.

Of course I'll need some of that evil money to fund me a trip to see the new X-Files Movie. When was that made and why did I only find out about it today?

Labels: films, house stuff, life, love, money, x-files

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |

This morning Ray's alarm woke me at 7am. It seems to get earlier every day - and an extra ten minutes earlier, I'm sure, on the mornings when I didn't sleep well during the night. I tell myself that it's just part of living with someone else. His schedule isn't the same as mine - he has a proper job, which means he has to get set his alarm for seven o'clock - when it's still dark outside! It doesn't mean he gets up at that time, though. He just likes to set the alarm and then roll over, kiss my nose and hold me for the next twenty-or-so minutes. On good mornings (usually when I've slept well), I hug him back, take a deep breath of his sweaty morning smell, and try to go back to sleep, while all the while secretly hoping I can stay awake and enjoy the quiet closeness of the moment. On bad mornings (usually when I haven't slept so well cos his body temperature is so high it makes me wake up throwing the blankets off myself in a panic...) I let him hold me, screw my eyes shut and pray that he gets out of bed soon so I can try and go back to sleep for the precious forty minutes before my alarm wakes me.

This morning I decided to reverse the roles. Fair enough: it was still his alarm that woke us both up. And it was him who turned to me, kissed my nose and then wrapped his arms around me. But when the twenty minutes were up, I curled my arm around his neck and wouldn't let go. "You want to me stay?" he asked. I nodded my head. Ten minutes later he said, "I'm really going to have to get up now." I shook my head and clung on tighter. I didn't let him get up 'til 7:50. He was squirming cos he needed to pee and Jem had already got up and gone in the shower. I tried not to giggle but it was kinda funny. So I curled my arms around his neck and dragged him back to the bed. He leaned over me for another five minutes before Jem finally vactated the bathroom and he went running.

That should have made him late for work. But his lift showed up thirty-five minutes late. It was in fact me who was late for my shopping-date with Mammy. So I ran around like a lunatic getting ready while he sat on the sofa sipping coffee, smiling as I sped by, stopping me for a kiss now and again.

One of these days I'll make him run to my schedule ;) But then again where would be the fun in that?

Shopping-wise I didn't do any, which is great cos I had no money. But I have booked myself in to get my hair cut next month.

Labels: hair cut, house stuff, life, love, mammy, ray, shopping

by Ys | COMMENTS? 3 | permalink |

It's just taken my spanking new computer (okay, he's five months old, so maybe he's not spanking anymore...) about three hours to put 1.3GB of photos onto a DVD-disc capable of holding 4.7GB. I don't think it should have taken that long. So I think it must have been my technique. Maybe copy-and-pasting isn't the way to go when using Vista. It doesn't matter now cos my pictures are backed up and so if I accidently delete them (yes, I admit, I lost about six pictures the other day when I put the wrong files in the wrong folder and wrote over the existing pictures...) it won't matter.

This morning I powered up my parents' old computer, which they lent me so that I could get some work off floppy discs. New computers don't have floppy drives so when I found out my memory stick wasn't holding two of my larger novels I panicked about how I was going to retrieve them. Then I remembered my parents still had an old computer knocking about. I found a love-note to Ray on one of the discs that I for some reason hadn't given him. After reading it, I printed it out and am leaving it on the bed for him to find when he gets home from work. I hope it will make up for what happened last night, and help to explain my feelings for him and that as much as they are a work-in-progress, just look at the mess I got myself into when the feelings were instant. Last night was tough for us both. I wish the past could remain buried so that I could enjoy my present and future. Unfortunately life doesn't work out that way.

Good past reared its head a couple of weeks ago. It's taken me this long to mention it because I wasn't sure if it was sticking around. A girl I used to be best friend's with between the ages of three and eleven found me online and we've been coresponding via email for a few weeks. It seems we've lived nearly identical lives. We're going to meet up later this month and I have high hopes. You see, the past doesn't always have to mean badness. That's something I'm learning.

Labels: daddy, friends, laptop, life, love, mammy, photos, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 1 | permalink |

The weather has still been really nice and warm... until today. Typical that it waits 'til Valentines Day to drop so cold, especially considering Ray has planned for us to eat chips on the beach tonight - we're skint so it's like our version of a meal out ;) We haven't exchanged presents yet. Partly because I was half-unconscious this morning (how he gets up at 7 every morning I'll never know; I got up at 7 yesterday, too, cos Wednesday came over for the day so I am exhausted now), and partly because the presents I've ordered for him haven't turned up yet - even though I ordered them over a week ago! I'm not impressed at all cos now he's got to have late Valentines presents and then there'll be no point, will there? Grr.

I have no idea what he's got me. I have a feeling he'll upstage me cos he's really surprising me with stuff today. Firstly, the card this morning had an adorable message in it, which just made me want to cry - really made my message look like the pits hehe, not quite but almost ;) And then I got a big surprise:



I've never had flowers delivered to my door before. It was very exciting actually. And I always love getting flowers. I really hadn't been expecting any cos, well, flowers are pretty expensive at this time of year, aren't they? So that was just lovely. He's obviously going to upstage me tonight cos he actually has presents for me whereas mine aren't even here ;)

Want to see my new bookcase? Isn't it lovely?



It was a gift from Mammy :) And then we also got two steamers (one electric, one not) from Ray's gran and mother, and some bed sheets too, which are so, so pretty. I feel very, very spoilt this week.

Today has had its downside, though. Sweepie went to be spayed today. That was very stressful indeed. But Mammy rang about half an hour ago and assured me she's fine - grumpy but absolutely fine. She'll be coming home the same time I will be after my chips - Ray and I wanted to make sure we were both back home by the time she was getting back cos she's going to need a lot of TLC. Martha has had some bad news today. They found out she has a heart murmur and a crumbling spine (sorry can't find a link for what that exactly is). Mammy assures us it's not as bad as it sounds and it's actually a good thing we know cos now she can have medication and could quite possibly revert back to her usual hyperactive self. But we're all hoping her calm mood is more from maturity and not illness so she'll remain calm.

They'll be both home again tonight so we can nurse them better. It's been horrible here without them both. Way too quiet. We went shopping and came home to no accusing glances and sniffs as to where we'd been and why we'd think to go out without them.

I'll end with some photos from the sunny weekend that just passed: I Can't Wait 'Til Summer.

EDIT: so blogger wouldn't let me update - I tried for ages. To update on the news: my Valentines Day chips in the car date was so, so good. It was like we fell into a time void. We got home to meet Sweepie and she was very poorly and sad. I had to check on her all night and although there was some bleeding the next day she's absolutely fine now :) Ray bought me a really pretty jewellry-holder-thing (I'll get pictures), and he says I have another present on it's way as well, which is very intriguing.

... Have a new layout as well ;)

Labels: illness, love, mammy, martha, photos, presents, ray, sweepie, valentines day

by Ys | COMMENTS? 1 | permalink |

Squee. It's a funny word. I had to try and explain what it meant once. I found it difficult. I suppose different people take it to mean different things. For me squee is an exclamation, a word uttered usually while clasping your hands together in front of your chest as you try not to let the cutest thing in the world cripple you with... well, squee.

I don't use the word to describe people I fancy. If a guy or girl makes me go squee (yes, the word squee to me is a verb) then you can pretty much assume I have no sexual feelings for them. But then for me I then enter a muddy kind of place that has no real words to describe it. I can squee over someone and not want to do anything sexual with them, but because of the squee emotion I will probably want to hold them close to me.

There's a young boy who I've known for a few years. He's a dopey thing. Everyone who meets him thinks he's a dope. But in me he brings out this squee emotion. Because we've moved, I end up seeing him about once a week now, in a public place where I have to pretend to him that my squee muscles aren't screaming inside me. How do you explain to a boy of about eighteen that you want to wrap your arms around them, hold them against your chest and end that ache in your heart you get sometimes when your maternal instincts go nuts? Well, you just can't, can you? So I smile politely, he serves me what I need, we might say hello, then I go on my way. But for the next few hours all I can think is how I want to bring him home with me. There's absolutely nothing sexual in this want. I would curl and up die if anyone even suggested that was my motive. But it's some weird place in the middle of wanting to mother someone and wanting to sleep with them. I've discussed this with my mother before now and she understands the emotion. I've tried explaining it to Jemma but she doesn't get it. Different folks, different strokes and all that.

There's another guy who brings out this emotion strongly in me. (Yes, they are mostly guys who make me squee, I think purely because I've always been closer with guys than girls, so the need to protect them is probably stronger than my need to protect girls.) This guy is no longer a boy, he's a man. But I still can't get past the idea in my head that he's still a kid. I'd still love to get him away from his new hectic lifestyle, hold him close against my chest, feed him too much food, and see he gets a good night's rest. The problem with this guy is Jem fancies the pants off him. We spent a hilarious walk yesterday morning trying to decipher the differences in our feelings towards this boy/man.

There is no reason for this post, no great revelation at the end. I just find squee a very strange emotion. And I find my mothering/fancying combined emotion is a really strange one to explain. I think if you're in no way maternal then you will never understand what I mean. I like the emotion anyway. But it does make me end the post by asking: Ray, can we adopt these two young boys now?

Labels: adoption, boys, life, love, mammy, maternal, squee

by Ys | COMMENTS? 5 | permalink |

I haven't posted since Tuesday! Which means it's February already. I've been so slack with blogging this month. Moving out for the first time is so time-consuming. I just seem to have stuff to do all the time. Like, yesterday, I had Wednesday over to stay for the day so we spent the day playing puppy games, and then she snoozed while I got reaquainted with Halo 1.

The gig completely killed me Wednesday night - hehe, I'm so unfit. Fightstar were great as always; and we had some proper moshers behind us who really picked up the crowd and got everyone going. I'm a little in love with their new single Flood. It's very surreal when you get goosebumps in the middle of a boiling hot, sweaty venue. By the time Coheed & Cambria came on I was feeling a bit queasy. The venue just didn't seem to have any cooling system at all so the air was really hot and sticky. I don't cope well in that kind of atmosphere so I left Ray at the front and went to stand to the side where I could breathe a little better, although not much it has to be said. Surprisingly, by the time Coheed came on the venue was full of a much older crowd who were really nice and friendly. Thankfully the screaming (yes, screaming) kids (yes, children) seemed to have gone home to bed. Don't even get me started on a rant about the random kids who have invaded all of my favourite hang-outs. Goddamn whoever it was that made guitar music cool to the kids. I mean, who the hell are Madina Lake? And why did they make the girls all round me scream and start clutching one another? And what is that crap the singer spouts? We're not about the image, just the music - yeah, right, so why is it you all have the classic Emo Style hairdo's - and the dye jobs? Grr!

Anyway, I spent the Coheed set pretending I was at the gig alone. Sizzle had said she's been to a few on her own and I always wondered if I could do it. It's in fact a lot of fun. You can just stand there and appreciate the music however you see fit. And, like I said, everyone was really friendly. I even got a kiss off a drunk woman I caught. Coheed were really good - totally professional and not a curse word in sight! I'm not a huge fan of theirs but I was a little obsessed with their third album (it's amazing: buy it!). Mostly they played the new stuff so I found myself watching Ray, who was completely lost to the music. I got a little sappy and just spent the entire time smiling over at him, falling in love with him all over again.

Thursday was a killer cos it was food shopping day. I didn't think my aching muscles could carry me (I started the day limping badly on my right leg thanks to an enlarged calf muscle - yum) but I somehow got through it all. Luckily Ray had had an early finish so we could drive instead of having to walk hehe.

Today is the Wales V England Six Nations match. We've decided to pop home to our old local to watch it there with Daddy. I don't suppose it'll be a late one, though. We're already £30 down due to Little Red popping a tyre Tuesday night! Thank heavens for Ray's tips ;)

Labels: coheed and cambria, fightstar, gigs, house stuff, love, music, ray, rugby, wales

by Ys | COMMENTS? 1 | permalink |

I think the stress of the move got to me this weekend.

It wasn't over the move itself. I adore the house, I really want to live with Ray, I can't believe how great the location is - I get a view of the sea and as many walks as I can handle along the sand. I'm in charge of the finances so I know we can afford to move. It'll be tight in the very beginning as we all adjust and the upfront bills are paid but money shouldn't really be a huge problem for us. I've been ready to move out for a very long time. I'm very into my own independence; I've always been good at looking after myself; I've run a house for five people; I can run one for three easily enough. So what was the problem? I quickly found out it was Ray. Not him but my insecurities over our relationship. This paragraph in my diary really summed it all up:

Insane with my love for Ray; insane with worry that he can't love me, he can't, cos Iim such a horrid person; insane with fear that he will now be taking care of me and therefore will grow to hate me. Insane basically.

Yes, over eighteen months in and I'm still unable to accept his feelings for me. I'd love to be really open about where those feelings stem from but I really don't want to go into it on the blog. Those times are done (mostly) and dragging it all up just wouldn't be helpful for anyone - and certainly not me. I got very annoyed with myself. I hate all that pathetic "poor me" shit. Sure, I've had my head messed with, I have weird emotions connected with people who claim to like me never mind love me: but that doesn't mean I have to let it rule my future. So I get really annoyed with myself when I get like this.

I ended up accusing Ray of cheating on me with pretty much every person he came into contact with. I cried (another thing I hate doing in company). Amazingly, he didn't shout at me, didn't get offended, he did that thing that freaks me out more: he put his arms around me and told me he still loved me. I keep on trying to sabotage this relationship and he won't let me. What's wrong with him?

I'm feeling much better now. It took a couple of days but I think I might be coming back to normal - whether that's sane or not is a matter of opinion har har.

Labels: life, love, me, moving out, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 3 | permalink |

Last night I watched Sex Bloggers, because a girl who's blog I read was in it. Believe it or not, I had no idea of the hype around Abby/Zoe when I found her blog a few months ago. I just liked the honesty in it, plus I like to read about sex. It was only over the months since finding the blog that I learned all about her book, her outing and the consequences of that.

But that's by the bye cos that's not what I wanted to talk about. What I did want to talk about was anonymity. In the Blogging world, anonymity is a frequent visitor. A lot of people write behind a pseudonym. On the programme last night all of the sex bloggers didn't use their real names or show their faces, all except for Abby/Zoe. I can kind of see why they'd want to hide their identity. Not because they're embarrassed by what they do (I doubt very many of us women who enjoy sex are embarrassed by that fact, but the media do like to say we are) but because to have the sex they enjoy they need to not have their face/name/life known - notoriety doesn't get you laid when the person you're trying to sleep with knows they'll be on the internet come morning. So I see why those bloggers would hide their real names. But why do other people do it? And why have I never done it?

Actually, that's a lie. I did once. I opened a blog, I wrote in it but didn't sign my name at the end of the posts and had no personal information about myself on the site. But it just wasn't for me. I'm not embarrassed about what I write, I'm not trying to hide from people. It probably helps that I'm a very honest person - online and off - so there really was no need to hide my true self.

My last blog was popular amongst horny females and gay men because I used to post a lot of pictures/entries about boy-love. It helped a lot that I became enthralled with the Antony and Craig relationship on Big Brother 6. BB fans like to read BB stuff - even stuff about boy love ;) I was never anonymous but I didn't keep archives. More due to the fact that I had a thing going on in my personal life that if it had worked out then my blog might have got me into trouble. It didn't work out. I met Ray instead and fell in love. It was, and still is, all very normal. Just what I needed.

Which is where this blog came from. Summer last year I missed the blog (I shut down my boy-obsessed blog in April time of 2006). I honestly hadn't thought I'd open another one but I just missed it. So I opened one that was closed off to the public, except for people I knew. From there it grew to what it is now, which is probably less personal but it means I meet more people and get to have more fun with the posts. I think because the blog was opened with the intention of people I know in "real life" reading it, the thought of anonymity never once crossed my mind. Even when I opened it up to the world wide web I didn't think to change my name. People in "real life" have always read my blogs. Because for me the blog is an extension of my writing. It's a form of writing I really enjoy. It's not as personal as my diary but it's sort of like a day-to-day auto-biography, which I've always loved reading.

So that's where this blog came from. Not from the urge to be anonymous but to share my life's fun, sadness, excitement, dread - and all the other emotions - with the people in my "real life" who don't live near me (which is pretty much everyone I'm close to ;D) and so don't see me day to day. I just wonder how many other bloggers out there opened their blogs for the same reason. And just how many blogs I read where the authors use their real names?

In other news: I didn't get the house I really liked :/ That was really sad. But we've gone looking for new houses and have three set up to view this week! We're starting tonight :)

Labels: blogging, life, love, moving out, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 1 | permalink |

Ray and I tried a new pub Sunday night. It has the potential of being our local when we're down his house. It's in walking distance so when I'm next staying down his we're thinking of having a Let's Get Drunk night. I haven't got drunk since May. It's been a quiet summer. So why am I mourning its end? God knows. It seems everyone's in a bad place at the moment. Every blog I read seems to be saying how they're finding it difficult to be positive, and are finding life is getting them down. At least I'm not alone, I suppose. But what the hell is wrong with us all? Can it really just be an end-of-season thing? I want it to go away. I miss being optimistic and happy.

I have started playing "Halo 3" now. Easy is beyond easy. But I am worried about how hard Legendary is going to be because the Flood are tough - well, the Pureform Floods are anyway. And they sound like elephants. My TV isn't the best TV to play it on, though. "Halo 3" needs a bigger screen that what I've got. But I can't afford a new one, and I have no space for a bigger one, so I'll just have to soldier on.

Last night I went down to see the in-laws for the first time in about a month. I always worry they'll think it's me not wanting to go there when in fact it's Ray's funny hours that's preventing us from going down more often. He's working somewhere that usually doesn't see him getting here 'til 7 or 8 in the evening by which time neither one of us can be bothered to do anything never mind drive all the way back down to his house only for him to have to drive me back by 10 cos he has to get up early the next day. My welcome was warm so that was nice, so I don't think they're harbouring any ill feelings towards me. They went out after food visiting other family members and friends so Ray and I had some rare time-alone. Some was spent in his little bed, the rest on the sofa watching "Doc Martin". That programme is so funny. We were finding the best places to sniff each other. Okay, okay, sounds dodgy but it's not. I like it best just below his left ear cos it's a lovely mix of his smell and his man-fume; whereas he likes behind my right ear cos it's a mix of me smell and my shampoo. Oh the funny things that will amuse you when you're in a relationship hehe.

Today Jem has gone to get her hair cut so I have the house to myself. I don't even remember the last time this happened. I've written all I can write and so will spend the next couple of hours contemplating my bad mood and finding ways to fix it. Anyone know how to cure anxiety? Cos mine's just getting worse with age.

Labels: halo, jem, life, love, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 2 | permalink |

I'm loved up. Properly this time. Not scared at the same time, or holding back because I just know it's all going to end any day now: I'm actually properly in love. And it's pretty great.

Things have been changing for me ever since Ray and I tried living together when we were looking after my uncle's house a few weeks ago. The first week was a challenge, my final attempts at pushing him away, convincing myself he was just like every other man I'd ever known - i.e. quite happy for me to run around looking after him and happy only if he was getting sex. I'm not sure why I have such a downer on men. Maybe cos the ones I've always hung around with have been rugby boys who are not really known, as a collective, for being interested in anything but getting laid. The policy with them is any hole's a goal. Charming. So I pretty much had every man under the age of forty as being that way - especially ones under twenty-five. So not only did I have to accept that Ray wasn't only interested in getting in my knickers, but I had to then accept that he loved me. And I mean really loved me. He told me he thought he was falling in love with me two weeks into our relationship. I didn't believe him. Cynical bitter old me pretty had myself pegged as unlovable. And not in any poor me I'm such a horrible person way; it's just something I had come to accept as fact. You don't get to twenty-three (as I was last year) with people who claim to have extremely strong feelings for you not wanting to bother making the effort to get with you without getting a little bitter about love.

It took Ray six months to break me. During the Christmas period I was smitten. I didn't think it was going to get any better than that. But I was careful to remember that I always feel great at Christmas and pretty much love everyone then. Needless to say, the loved up feeling didn't last long. And within two weeks of the new year we'd nearly split up. We didn't but it was a shitty time.

Our anniversary in May wasn't as joyous as I'd have imagined. I think both of us worried it had to end now - we'd shared everything new with one another that we possibly could and just assumed that the love was going to fizzle out because, come on, how many relationships between young people actually last these days? I'm sure I led a lot of those negative feelings.

So, anyway, what's the point in this entry? It was just the realisation that hit me last night: that it's taken about thirteen months for me to finally accept that Ray does actually love me, and that it's perfectly safe for me to love him back. The world isn't going to come crashing down around me, he isn't going to run off with some other girl, isn't going to turn into a woman-hater and isn't going to break my heart. Well, he might break my heart but I can trust he won't try to. And I can pinpoint the turn around point - the second Wednesday we spent at my uncle's house. I wound myself up for a whole week, then when he got home from work that night I burst into tears and accused him of everything I knew he wasn't. And instead of getting angry he reassured me and was far more patient than I would have been. The final turning point was last night. Nothing exciting happened; it was just when everything clicked in my head.

So there you go. If you're also a bitter young woman who doesn't think herself capable of giving up her heart to anyone or doesn't think she's worthy of being loved by anyone who isn't a scumbag: if you find yourself a decent guy it'll take about a year for you to let go of all you insecurities and just learn to accept that love is allowed.

Labels: life, love, ray

by Ys | COMMENTS? 4 | permalink |