Broody

I'm broody.

This happens from time to time. I have this overwhelming urge to be a mother. It's not neccasarily about babies or being pregnant or any of that, it's just about being a mother. I've always felt like this. That's why I assumed I'd adopt or foster, that that's what I was made to do. Originally I didn't question it but now I wonder if it's God's plan for me, or/and if maybe my one remaining ovary might be a dud. Losing the ability to have children would be extremely depressing, no matter how much I want to adopt/foster because then the choice is taken away and not being able to conceive feels like the worst pain imaginable.

I'm going to blame my cousin for this recent bout of broodiness. I went to visit her and her family (my aunt, uncle and other cousin) last week. She had a child four years ago who I've only seen once before and that was a few years ago. It was at a family party so he was asleep and being taken off to bed. So this was the first time I really met him. And what a kid he is to meet. He doesn't stop talking - ever. He's the most confident child I think I've ever met. I'll admit that during the first hour I was petrified of him. I thought there was no way I was ever going to have children. But once he calmed down and stopped showing off he became this adorable little boy who just needed constant attention. We ended up playing Refreshment Library Trolley for about an hour, with him delivering us books and giving us all of a minute to read them.

I can see that living with him, raising him, being with him twenty-four-seven would be an endurance test of the most patient, but just visiting him for a few hours has set off the mother within and now I'm broody for my own little nest of children. The weird part is is that I know I don't really want children now. I think there's an inner battle between Psychotic Mother Me who wants to save all the children of the world now now now, and Sensible Selfish Me who wants time to grow up without children hanging off me, wants to be alone with Ray before children come into the mix, and, well, we honestly can't afford children.

Needless to say, I think Ray is keeping a very close eye on my Pill packet to make sure I'm swallowing all the tablets ;)

Labels: broody, children, motherhood, ray

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